Hours and hours

I have spent hours and hours (and hours and hours) trying to figure out myself. Especially the last two days have been amazingly intense. Its like being on neutral and slamming the 'pedal to the metal'. Lots of revving and no movement.

I have probably invested more time in introspection than in any other thing in the last 14 years (including any office work or service project)... this humming is constant in my life.

So what is the outcome? I really don't know. Lots of glimpses of glory. Lots more understanding. Sometimes it all seems so simple and elegant. At other times ever so complicated.

And he says - these are such childhood toys. Go beyond! Shine forth and transform the world! You are the greatest...

Silence is truly the key. Let me go back into it now...

Wants

I want nothing.

Thus spake I. And then filled two pages in the journal on what I truly want to do.
And then again, I truly want nothing in a limited sense...

I am an iceberg... this life is the proverbial tip. Understanding myself fully is not like visiting aunty's home...

At the brink

Today I have access to everything, everyone I need... to do be and have whatever I want. And yet, at the brink of success I stop.

Ultimately this chapter will end... and I will leave this body. What purpose would I have served? What purpose has anyone served thus far?

This question is more useful...it gives a bigger picture view than being caught up in the detailed analysis...

15000 Hours

I have had the privilege of being in God's personal company for at least 15000 hours. I have been loved, taught, mentored, moulded, guided, cajoled, teased, tempted, provoked, challenged, invoked into the path of self improvement.

And today I was asking myself yet again, pondering deeply... restlessly... what is it that I must really focus on? What truly is my highest purpose?

How could I be so blind? Truly, Baba's task is unfathomable.

Wherever I go...

Wherever I go, I meet myself.

Evergreen Homework

On 20th October, He shared the most profound wisdom with so much love and sweetness... he said many things that fascinated me. But the following just grips me:

"So, who are the beloved ones? The ones who follow the father. And it is very, very, very easy to follow. It is not difficult at all. If you follow in just one aspect, you will easily be following in all other aspects. It is just one line that the Father reminds you of every day. You remember that, do you not? Consider yourself to be a soul and remember Me, your Father."

So here is a goal that I am setting myself to master this very, very, very easy (but ever so slippery if I don't pay attention) homework.

Goal:

By November 15, 2008, I will have mastery on attaining powerful bodiless stage and unbroken, loving, powerful remembrance of Baba for at least sixty seconds at a time, taking less than one second to reach that stage each time.

Keywords:

• Bodiless: Distinct experience of being separate from the body, resulting in the whole body being relaxed and refreshed.
• Remembrance of Baba: Experiencing Baba's love and power and feeling energized at the end of yoga

Mastery Parameters:

1. Quality of bodiless stage - distinct experience of being separate from body resulting in whole body being relaxed and refreshed
2. Quality of remembrance - Experiencing Baba's love and power and feeling energized at the end of yoga
3. Duration of connection - quality maintained unbroken for at least one minute
4. Speed of connection - less than one second to reach the desired quality of connection

NOTE on Mastery:
Emphasis is on getting the first two parameters while measuring the next two parameters over time.

Milestones:

1. Experience powerful bodiless stage [at least once per day, no matter how long it takes or lasts]
2. Experience loving powerful remembrance [at least once per day, no matter how long it takes or lasts]
3. Experience mastery parameters 1, 2 & 3 [does not matter how long it takes to get there]
4. Reach all mastery parameters [1, 2, 3 & 4] at Amritvela
5. Reach all mastery parameters 8 times a day [any convenient time]
6. Reach all mastery parameters at will during free time.
7. Reach all mastery parameters in between busy work
8. Reach all mastery parameters in the midst of difficult or challenging circumstances

Nice to have:

Reach all mastery paramters maintained for 45 minutes at Amritvela

Always Perfect

When God is at the helm, everything is perfect. In accordance to one's growth needs. If I wait and watch how the drama unfolds, it is entertaining. There is constant newness.

There will be opportunities to do what I have always done or to just go with the flow with a fresh view on everything. Actually, everything is always fresh as the drama unfolds. Constantly new. When I stay in the present, it makes me alert and agile. It also keeps me relaxed and at ease.

When God is not around to remind me that everything is perfect, I strive and struggle. I want to control things and force things to happen in a particular way.

The awareness of 'Drama' is applicable while looking at the past - immediate or distant. Life presents itself in the present and when I have the tools of knowledge I can do whatever I want with it...thereby creating my future.

I can make the future just like the past by doing just what I have always done. Or I can have a brand new future by exercising different choices. But whatever I do, is accurate in the drama. It's a result of all the forces in play and there could not have been an alternative course of action given the scheme of things.

Everything is always perfect.

God is the Greatest

I met him. He is the Ocean of Love. He is the Ocean of Sweetness. He is the wisest of all. He made me experience fullness. He demonstrated that he knows me. He directly demonstrated whatever he recommended me to do.

'Let your words be like a shower of flowers...'

And...truly divine love...so fulfilling.

All OK

Everything fits. It's all accurate. It's better than the best made plans. The different situations are so clearly opportunities that help me discover myself in my full glory...as a child of God.

The End of Ego

End of the roving eye and quiet observations; Smart comments and witty repartees; listening beyond need; wanting to know and to tell...

Solitude vs Being in the thick of things

Solitude is lovely and has always been a favourite. Yet after all the rush of service when suddenly, unexpectedly there was nothing to do, it was uncomfortable at first. Like 'being in demand' and 'lack of time to serve everyone' to suddenly 'being left out'. It is so funny in retrospect. Ego results in foolish behaviour.

It was a short spell but insightful. Solitude reigns again.

Original quality

Lightness has remained throughout (this life...maybe the cycle?)but there have been many instances where I was deeply challenged, and the stage was down.

Idealism is another thing that's certainly lasted.

Belief and Vision

I do not believe in struggle. I effortlessly soar beyond the clouds. I AM the Sun. I dispel darkness through my radiant presence.

The Little bird's dilemma

Once upon a time a little bird wanted to swallow the ocean. It had been thirsty and found bliss by quenching its thirst from a rare rain in the desert. It sought the source...and found the clouds...it sought the source of the clouds...and reached the ocean.

'I have found the Ocean!' he declared. 'I want to have all of it now!'

But it was not sweet. It was salty and there was just too much of it.

Past is past

Thick dark clouds.
Thunder and lightning.
Struggling to win.
Giving up.
Silence.
Quiet.
Gentle review of life.
Strange sense of contentment.

I have put in my best. I have been sincere. I have passed many times and yet failed many times. There has been tremendous progress. This life has rendered useful service. Could it have been better? Not really... not for me...even though in the past, in my heart idealism has reigned constantly and the gap between errant reality and the constant ideal has caused much angst.

Today, I am contented. I give myself the certificate of contentment. I feel that my lokik and alokik families would also give me the certificate as of today. That this one has been sincere and well meaning... and has been a good family member. They will note that I am far from perfect, perhaps with many areas where I could have been better and done better... but they will say that he has been a good individual...sincere and well meaning. Would God give me the certificate of contentment? For honesty, yes. For the homework, no.

If I die today, this life would not have been in vain.

What would the future be like if I die today? Would there be remorse that my role has thus been fixed in a sub-optimal manner? No. I think there would not be any remorse. I accept my part with its pluses and minuses, the efforts put in were sincere and I did get sidetracked each time and well, I have the corresponding results. It is all fine. All ok.

So as on today, all of the past is ok and put firmly in the past.

Tomorrow is a fresh start. A new opportunity. A new life. I offer it to God to fashion it as he pleases.

Karmic accounts

It is humbling to witness the power of karmic settlements. Watching people who had been spiritually rich, vibrant and powerful breaking down into helplessness and misery... being incapacitated and unable... it is quite a sight.

And yet souls don't learn the lesson. Some will irritated with them. Some make fun of them. Some others are dismissive and rudely brush them aside.

Dadi Kumarka had said...'Nothing is as it seems. No one is as they seem. And no two days are the same.' Such profound words... and they ring with even more meaning in this context.

And from John Donne, 'Never send to know for whom the bells tolls... it tolls for thee'

Emotional connection

When I read/hear/see something that I have experienced before, it strikes an emotional chord within and I connect with it. I relive it with this new experience - It does not matter at all whether I like it or not.

When there is interest in bringing about behavioural changes, old experiences pose the most interesting challenge. Any amount of superficial disinterest or even ignoring it at that time doesn't fool the sanskars/sub-conscious. It could be the most trivial of interests to the strongest of habits. And lo, it appears in the dreams and reveries or those moments when I am not using the intellect... or even when I see anything remotely related.

To bring about fundamental changes, I need to recognize and accept the current emotional connection and move forward instantly and strongly in the direction of my current choice. A new emotional bond needs to be set in place...

But that's still superficial. At a deeper level, churning on what is really required and following up with powerful yoga is critical to alter the sanskars.

Self Protection to Self Esteem

There is a time when there is resistance to feedback. The tendency is to defend myself, to justify my actions, to explain the circumstances that lead to the particular 'less than perfect' behaviour.

This phase is that of 'self-protection'. There is an undergrowth of pain that comes with ego. And its not easy to uproot. Anything that threatens the ego is looked at with fear and/or resentment.

In this phase, love takes the form of possessiveness. Actions are forceful rather than mature and dignified. 'Service' in this mode is pushy and imposing .Or it could be callous -'Take it or leave it - It's your funeral' instead of humbly offering to benefit the other while respecting the other's choice. The diversity of views that souls have at this point in time is incredible.

Once the soul parts with ego, there is freedom. There is self respect. There is fearlessness. There is strength. There is willingness to change and to improve. There is love and appreciation for other views. There is love for Truth rather than 'false politeness'. There is confidence on one's own unshakeable foundation. There is trust in God and in one's own fortune.

Fresh, frank and forthright feedback is eagerly sought and gratefully welcomed as an opportunity to relook at the self and improve in every way possible.

On the path to egolessness, the initial phase is to build on one's own strengths. This builds self-confidence and boosts self-esteem. Any look at weaknesses is debilitating. The next phase is to uproot weaknesses and shortcomings so that the original purity of the self can radiate in all directions. Focus on strengths at this stage is an invitation to ego and/or complacence. The next phase is that of sublimation where there is gratitude to God for everything. Everything is easy and natural - for it is God who is at the helm. This is the final stage. The post-final stage is the constant awareness of one's natural beauty... this is a natural stage that carries forward beyond the end of time...

Things still unclear

There are many things that are still unclear to me. By the time I get a satisfactory grip on them, they go beyond comprehension once more. These include topics such as -

• Who am I really?
• Who is God?
• What is nature?
• What is life?
• What's going on here?

And then I sense Baba beside me... and feel at rest. There is trust... he will navigate me through the muddled waters. My guide is here. And this is the time of metamorphosis.

What's clear to me

I've figured out some things.

• I am more fortunate than I can possibly comprehend.
• All four subjects are critical for self development and the combination brings about holistic development.
• I am rather disinterested in sight seeing. While I appreciate the beauty of nature and feel that many things are interesting, all said and done, sitting in a corner and exploring myself in silence is any day more enjoyable.
• I am much further ahead in purusharth than I thought - in some areas - and much further behind in purusharth in many other areas.
• Baba loves me so much and is ever ready to help me the moment I dig deeper. I have an amazingly dull intellect and am unable to seize the opportunities more often and really dig into purusharth. [This is not called honesty or modesty or self-deprecation etc... but more of awareness of the huge gap between where Baba's vision for me is and where I currently am]
• Nothing comes for free but there are opportunities galore for the soul who is honest and sincere and really wants to improve.
• This family is wonderful. Life is wonderful.
• The time to really benefit from the confluence age is NOW.

Engaged to myself

As I watched myself going through the recent events quite often I found myself perplexed. There was much to learn and appreciate... and yet I felt oddly very disinterested as well. It was all nice. I felt at home at each place. Yet as I explored myself, I found that the newness each place offered opened up a new unexplored area within myself.  Sometimes I felt surprised by how well I was doing in terms of spiritual efforts and yet at many times I felt surprised by how little I knew of myself.

It was like (I suppose) getting engaged to myself. Wherever I went, I was constantly watching myself - how I was taking things, how I behaved in different situations, what I liked and what I tended to ignore and where I got caught up...it was getting to know myself more intimately.