A Case Study

I'm currently going through some experiences that's a good case study on Maya's modus operandi (way of functioning). Perhaps you may relate with your experiences or be aware of what might come your way too.

A couple of weeks ago, my spiritual efforts were at an all time high and my stage was flying higher than ever. Everything seemed effortless and beautiful. Baba's love kept me full of boundless energy. Complex problem situations that had my colleagues in despair became very easy to transform into delightful experiences for all. Finally that elusive goal of sustainable high stage looked within reach. And I took a valiant step of courage - Baba, I will finally fulfill my promises and get to the final goal. I fixed a date, set the goal, charted the plan and then was fully mentally prepared for moving forward no matter what.

In a remarkable turn of events, within a few hours, massive storms with giant tidal waves of negative thoughts came lashing in. Negativity rapidly advanced from thoughts into words and actions. I was strangely unmoved. Thoughts came in from all directions in all kinds of ways. All the vices were visibly and strongly present. Lust, anger, greed, ego, attachment, jealousy, tiredness, physical pain, stress, fear, distractions, time wasters... some challenges I had not encountered in spiritual life so far started appearing... and each area where I had failed several times before came up very powerfully and I failed yet again. But, I just did not feel bad at all. I continued on as though nothing had happened. When I was called upon for service, everything would subside and the stage would be beautiful and loving until the service was completed and then the issues would come right back. Fascinating.

I was failing but I did not feel bad about it. Then the next level of attack. At amritvela, I would be thinking and planning. No conversations with Baba, no deep stage of yoga... and very soon no yoga at all. Not even good morning. I would get up on time, sit in Baba's room and then just think what I wanted to think. I noticed what's going on but felt very unconnected. Having yoga seemed very unnatural. I was peaceful, even cheerful. The stage was ok and yoga seemed artificial. 'Aha, I'm back into atheism!', I thought. And then continued on with my thoughts. During murli, my thoughts would tune in and out. I was multi-tasking. 'Oh yes, that's true', i would think in response to a point and then go on into my own reverie of planning and thinking... and then catch the next point that was coming along. 'I know all this stuff', I would think... 'Aha, this is maya! I know, I know and that's fine...'

While having food, I would give drishti without any feelings and then eat on without any yoga at all. I would maintain all the maryadas without actually following any in principle. But I did not feel I was being a hypocrite or that I should stop following these maryadas. It all just felt OK. Somewhat like brushing teeth or taking a shower. Nice, useful and on autopilot. In fact after some particularly nasty negative thoughts, I loved taking extra time washing other's plates and getting rid of the garbage and cleaning up the whole area etc. It felt very nice and accurate to be doing karmayoga... actually karma with loving values but no yoga with God.

I was observing how my spiritual efforts had completely disappeared. I was close to Baba without any love. I felt he was just nearby but I did not want to have a chat. I was at peace. The negative and waste seemed to belong to another person, unconnected to me. And love for Baba seemed unnecessary. [What a funny way of looking at it!]. I was continuing to do well. The stage was in control when I wanted it to be in control. And I would let the horses loose. The senses would run amok in all directions. Sight, sounds, smell, taste and touch were all hyper activated and excited. The world became very alive in an iron aged way. And I went through this new change with some stress but no regret. The whole body would get tensed up as though I was making a big mistake and then I would pay attention and relax and get free from the stress. I was using gyan to be Ok with what is considered not OK.

I noticed that Baba never let go - he would bring in beautiful relevant points in the murlis and I would nod in appreciation and say that's right, thanks you are so considerate... and then go on doing precisely what i wanted to do and very unconnected to gyan. And then it had to happen. The murlis became focused on other points and the gross storms all subsided as well. The stage became very peaceful and happy. The dreams were full of service and beautiful self efforts but my day time had no conscious attempts to serve and to improve in efforts.

Yesterday in the in flight entertainment programme I saw what was called the 'world's funniest videos'. The first one showed a little boy slowly climbing up a snow clad mountain slope trying to reach his father who was waiting for him a few meters above. As the little boy nearly reached the father's outstretched hands, he slipped, fell and slithered all the way to where he had started. The father kept watching on but the focus was on the child. This is not my idea of a funny video at all, but suddenly I can see the beauty and the joke and the irony of it all. It's all about me. The next video had a little boy sitting next to his mother on a bench and as she gets up, he slides off the bench and falls on his back. Very funny. Hmmm.

Today at amritvela and at murli, I was fully disconnected and aware. Today morning was a particularly powerful dream of service programme for executives atop the 100th floor of a building. We [I don't recall the companions] were discussing deep aspects of gyan as we were going up the lift when I woke up. As I sat at amritvela, I felt like a person who had not spoken to his spouse for a long while and somehow did not seem interested in having a conversation. I was wide awake and thinking about this strange life.

So that's where I am at. I feel at peace. Very clear about what's going on and yet not making any efforts at the moment. I thought I should share this experience with you. I feel fully lovingly connected with everyone and also totally disconnected with everyone. There is a witness within which is doing the action.

What are the next steps? I'll spend some time in long loving conversation with myself as I usually do after a bad brawl with Maya. Difference is, usually my stage is pretty bad after 'failure' but this time I feel very comfortable with everything. Denial? Not really. Acceptance? Maybe, but of a strange kind. Something I would not normally find acceptable.

So, yes, some solitude and then maybe I'll say hello and have a chat with my father, teacher and satguru. He is the Ocean of patience. He outlasts me completely. I have so much natural, intellectual love for him right now... [but none from the heart as it just doesn't seem to be relevant]

And oh yes, I do not look forward to any advice at this point of time. The murlis suffice. [What a rude soul and ooh what ego!!!] Please do send your loveful blessings and good wishes - they are always welcome and would be very handy now. Thank you from the heart for being part of my journey. I offer these strange experiences with love... as a co-traveller. Hope they are useful for you in some way academic or practical.

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Everything is accurate. Everything is all right. Everything is beneficial. Yes, even when it does not seem like it.